Sandy speaks on matters of life and mirth.
Monkeys are seldom present.

Monday, October 30, 2006

What I've Learned from Breakfast in the Residence Halls

I hate country music.

So very much.

Or, to be more specific, I don't necessarily hate country music. What I hate is the country music voice.

Having been exposed to a very, very, very large amount of country music here in the United States, I can reveal that there are only two country music singers - one male and one female. Oh, sure, they might release songs under multiple different names, and release hundreds of different albums, but I mean really - has anyone ever listened to these songs? They don't even try to disguise the fact that they all sound exactly the same. The voices on these tracks are identical, people! Use your ears!

But who are these shady people? I did some investigation, and, at great personal risk to myself, am finally willing to reveal their true identities.

Virgil McSouth and Cindi Starkweather are the true names of this mysterious duo. They've been recording country music for over twenty years. Before that, Meat Loaf filled in after Elvis' retirement.

Thi conspiracy has been well-hidden, with the Country Music Association arranging for people to mime along to their music in live shows, and the annual "Country Music Awards" where D-List actors and homeless people pretend to be big-time movie stars. One of the most elaborate deceptions was when, using clever multi-tracking and lip synching techniques, the CMA managed to fool people into thinking that Starkweather was in fact three jobless sisters of the CEO's wife. You may know these three better as 'The Dixie Chicks'.

The truth is out, people. I've put my head on the line to expose this. Now, spread the word - don't let my risk be for naught!


Alicia said...


You can follow the links to my blog!