David Cameron's Arm Longer Than Previously Advertised

A Short Explanation of Why British Politics is Messed Up

So I was speaking to an American friend, who was asking why electoral reform was so important, and what was wrong with the system that we had. I came up with this example as the best way of explaining it:

Imagine you live on a desert island. (Not like the one on Lost - this one doesn't have a make-up department) On the island with you are 99 other people. You decide that, in order to survive, you will need a group of ten people to be in charge, with one of those people further selected to be the Chief. So, you have an election, right? Everyone votes once for their preferred candidate, and the five people with the most votes get to be the ruling council, and the one with the highest vote total gets to be chief. This makes sense to everyone, and is very simple to organise.

The British electoral system is NOTHING like this.

Let us return to our island. Imagine, if you will, that we are having our election once more. Only this time, instead of having 100 inhabitants, there are 1000. So, let us expand our number of representatives to 100. Now, we have a problem - 100 people are unlikely to be able to reach a consensus through discussion alone, and so we introduce a system of voting - if a representative likes an idea, they vote yes, if they don't, they vote no. An idea requires more 'yes' votes than 'no' votes to be passed. The representatives are still voted for by the population, with the 100 people getting the most votes getting to be representatives, and once more, the person who has the highest vote total gets to be Chief.

The British electoral system is A BIT like this.

Once more, back to the island. We still have our thousand voters, our hundred representatives, but now, the people are spread out a bit, and so the representatives are assigned to a specific geographical location. The people who live round the waterhole get to vote for one representative, the people who live on the beach get to vote for one representative, and so on. The Chief is decided by all the representatives getting one vote for who among them they would like to be in charge.

The British electoral system is KIND OF like this.

For the last time, we return to the island. This time, the areas that elect a representative are all different sizes, with the largest comprising five times as many people as the smallest. People who don't subscribe to one of three sets of largely interchangeable sets of values have no chance of becoming representatives. When, inevitably, someone from 'The Big Three' is chosen as a representative, their ability to disagree with the other people who say they hold those values is almost non-existent, reducing them to little more than puppets. The three value sets, despite being broadly similar, are so antagonistic towards one another that any idea proposed by anyone will only be agreed upon if the people who came up with it have more representatives than anyone else, and so are able to force it through. Any discussion is treated more as an opportunity to score points off other people, so much so that the second largest group of representatives has the official title of 'The Opposition'. Oh, and the chief? The leader of the biggest value set gets to be Chief... no matter how many votes he got, regardless of what the population of the island think of him.

The British electoral system is EXACTLY like this.

Except that we don't live on a desert island. It rains. All the time.

Now do you understand why we need electoral reform?

Thank Goodness I'm Never Miked

So this story really bugged me.

Basically, Gordon Brown spoke to a woman briefly on camera, and then got into a car, and got frustrated about his inability to answer the woman's questions succinctly. He made a few remarks, including calling her a 'bigoted woman'. Unbeknownst to him, his microphone was still on, and the Sky news crew decided to broadcast it, and play it to the woman in question.

I'm not going to talk about my views on the Prime Minister, but I promise you that who I'm going to vote for has nothing to do with my opinion on this incident, which put briefly, is this: this was a low-down dirty trick by Sky News that was all about sensationalism and nothing about journalism. The clip should never have been broadcast.

Gordon Brown was having a private conversation about a woman he had met for all of thirty seconds, with close advisors. I work at a High School, and I have said plenty of things about the kids that I work with which, if played to their parents, would cause me to have to do a heap of explaining. Do I always mean them? No. Usually, they're said in the heat of the moment, and there is a reason the conversation is private. Sky News invaded Gordon Brown's privacy, and they should be apologising profusely themselves.

How does playing this clip serve the country's best interests? How does it do anything but cause scandal and gossip about an incident that frankly, doesn't matter. I'm sure David Cameron and Nick Clegg have said things just as bad in private, and I think they should have a right to.

To put it simply, I'm pissed off that this is the level that our newscasters have lowered themselves to. Shame on you, Sky News.

Grading MPs' Expenses Claims

With all the row over recent expenses claims, it's my belief that people are missing the real point - what's matters is not whether claiming the expenses was justified, but whether or not they got cool stuff with the money. I am perfectly willing to accept an MP claiming £40, 000 on expenses if he spent it on a jet-ski, but £2,000 on carpet cleaning? What a waste.

With this in mind, I have set out to grade the various expenses claims offered by those who seek to represent us.

Alistair Darling - D

£2,339 on 'magnolia carpets'? Really? For that kind of money, you could have at least got an interesting colour. Unless you meant Magnolia as in the movie, in which case it's probably just an uninteresting mishmash of stuff that people pretend to like because it makes them look smarter than they are. Also, if you're going to spend £765 of other people's money on a bed, you could at least do better than Ikea.

Hazel Blears - C

£5,000 on furniture in three months - based on the apparent MP predilection for Ikea furniture, Hazel has probably bought 787 Jeff chairs.

Andy Burnham - B

Not sure how much he claimed for, but he did write a note claiming that a divorce would be imminent if his expenses claim was not processed quickly - probably because he hadn't bought enough chairs.

Paul Murphy - A

Spent £35 on a toilet roll holder. People say that this was an extravagance, but he had to make sure it matched his platinum towel rail.

John Prescott - A

Paid for his toilet seat to be repaired twice in two years. I don't need to add a joke here.

Bob Marshall-Andrews - A

I may have no idea who this guy is, but after he spent £1,300 on an intercom, brass name plaque and other 'entryway adornments', I do know that he has a nice door. By the way, what on Earth are 'entryway adornments'? A sign saying 'You don't have to be unethical to work here, but it helps!'?

John Reid - A+

Spent £29.99 on a 'black glitter toilet seat.' He's not planning to invite John Prescott round any time soon.

David Willets - C

Claimed for £80 to 'change light bulbs in bathroom'. Under this logic I recently claimed for £20 for 'Putting rubbish in the bin'

Douglas Hogg - A+

Spent £2,115 to have a moat cleared. Recently won award for 'Best Conformer to Conservative Party Stereotype'.

Nick Clegg - B

Claims for calls to Colombia and Vietnam may explain Mr Clegg's recent tendency to carry around large quantities of suspicious white powder, and his increased popularity in the Commons.

Chris Huhne - E

Regularly claims for milk, chocolate biscuits and 'fluffy dusters'. How often do you need a new fluffy duster? Either he has a very dusty home, or he is some kind of silicon-based lifeform that enjoys eating dusters. The jury's out on that one.

Sir Menzies Campbell - A+

Spent around £1,500 on a new king-sized bed. Are you taking notes, Alistair Darling?