Another few months, another bunch of awkward, hilarious, inspiring and meaningful quotes. But mostly just awkward ones.
"Stop putting s**t on our bodies, David Blain!" - From David Blain: Street Magic!
"They're not just Eagles, they're like...Big Eagles!" - Myself
"Yeah, you're going to miss us, but at least you can wave at the plane!" Rav
Me: So they got busted by the Park Rangers
Mark: Queens' Park Rangers what?
"She don't screw my friends
And she cleans up my house
All of this love girl is creeping me out!" - Ima Robot, *Creeps Me Out*
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow, or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom.
Only a person who risks is free. - "Risks"
"What you do may be unimportant to anybody, but it is significant that you do it." - Ghandi
"Nik Myers already has a pending relationship request. This must be resolved before another request can be made." - Facebook clearly isn't run by Mormons.
Apewhale (17:19:22): are we going to make lots of farm puns now?
OsoGeist (17:19:39): I don't know but stop being a hoe
OsoGeist (17:19:50): which works both ways
OsoGeist (17:20:00): like a bisexual
Apewhale (17:20:10): or a combine harvester
- Oh the hilarity of AIM
Guy 1: I know how many letters there are in the alphabet
Guy 2: May I sub-respond before you finish?
Guy 1: Sure
Guy 2: Do you?
- I love Sonic Ads
"Look at all these people, there are wearing all of the clothes mankind has ever worn!" Krisse, on the Eurovision Song Contest
"You wanna KISS me!" - Erin
Me (Reading Headline): Workers rescues from giant vat of fish feces.
Nik: The Onion?
Me: No, CNN.
"The leaders of the US and UK...or as I like to call them "Primesident Blush" - Jon Stewart, The Daily Show
"You don't know a handful!" - Sarah Sidle, CSI
"My hair has more volume than a pensioner's telly." - Russell from Five US
"im gong spratly to nil" - Andrew on MSN.
"It's four in the morning, Mr Wilder. Do you know where your children are?" - Lieutenant Flores, Runaways
"He was with that guy, you know the one who won that thing at the thingie." - Fran showing her loquacity.
Me: Martin, we don't any Lionel Richie!
Martin: NO! Everyone has SOME Lionel!
"You know, those helper monkeys that answer the phone for you." - Fran rather overestimates the abilities of the average monkey.
Simon: Have you seen my DI box?
Sandy: I put it by your computer... [long pause]...and by computer I meant cello case.
"I am whatever you say I am. If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?" - Eminem
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
That's What She Said! Part II
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
That's What She Said!
So recently I ran out of space on my Facebook Wall for quotes. Clearly my friends are just too full of ridiculous misstatements for the internet to handle.
So what do I do about this? Do I stop cataloguing the madness and idiocy that spews from the mouths of my friends, family and random people I meet?
Certainly not. I'm just going to list all the old ones here and start a new collection. I feel like it's my obligation to history.
THE LIST
"I know what you did last sugar!" - Rumplepuss
"In Britain, when we stick our fingers in a socket, we take the pain!" - Myself
"James Blunt was in the army, wasn't he? He was a general, right?" - Sagan Leasure
"I'm wearing a sweater-vest - I can do whatever I want!" - Lostro
"So me and Bill just had a race. I was peeing and he was pooping...it was a photo-finish!" - Andy W
"I'm not a lesbian - I love boys!" Erin
"I once kicked a monkey so hard he landed in three different trees...like a furry watermelon." A horse
"No offence, Sonny, but around here...you're a parasite." - Al - Assigment:Outer Space!
"I'll race you to Baby Jesus!" - My dearest sister on Christmas Morning.
"Ninja Jesus Stealth Attack" - Myself.
"She has a specially tailored skirt that allows her to take a stride of exactly thirty inches." - Mission:Impossible
"I'm choking on my own language." - Myself
"Death by accent." - Bill
"Erin Mikulecky - Conversation Assassin." - Myself
"No, BananaFingers! NO!!" - Erin
"You're wrong coz I'm Sandy Radford!!!!" - Ravi
"Orlando! Orlando! Orlando!" - Myself
*Phone rings, I answer"
Me: Hey Mark, how are you?
Mark: I'm fine. I just called to let you know I'm driving to Ohio.
"I'm going to give this movie the highest accolade I can think of - I'm going to put it under 'favorite films' on Facebook!" - Bill displaying a fine sense of what is important in life.
Ravi: That's a terrible storyline!
Sandy: This is Backstreet Boys porn - what did you expect, Jane Austen?
Ravi: Well, yes!
"Summary: Methilde and Nick are out on their boat. Having fun. Then a shark attacks them." - Backstreet Bauhaus
Sandy: I first knew Chris was a bad ass when I came in and he was playing "Sweet Dreams Are
Made of This."
Ravi: I first knew Chris was a bad ass when I heard him playing Benni Benassi out of those awesome speakers.
Mark: I first knew Chris was a bad ass when I did those lines of coke with him.
Akshaya to Mazan: You scam on boys like Rav scams on girls!
Rav: Excuse me, I scam on girls *and* boys!
"Sandy, if your sister is as hot as you are, I couldn't keep my hands off her!" - Andy W
"Everything cool, Marcia - Rude Boy don't fear." - Priest, *Dancehall Queen*
"Don't screw with my disco, Nadine." - Harold, *The Stand*
"I'm so excited about going to New York - we're going to see the LAPD!" - Rav
Me: My cousin just went into labour.
Erin: With a baby?
Me: No Erin, the other kind of labour...of course with a baby!
"It's a soup opera!" - Nalini
"Sandy, you're a boogerfingers!" - Jeffrey
"Que Sera Sera, Douchebags!" - Tony Snow
"Boy, it sure is dark in here with the lights off." - Esther Smith, *Meet Me in St Louis*
"You'd be like 'click'! And I'd be like 'BAM'!" - Erin on what would happen if I sent an email from her account.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
21 Reasons Why Alanis Morisette Hearts Me
So I was listening to Alanis Morisette's 21 Things I Want In A Lover this morning (don't laugh), and I realised that I score pretty highly...
AM: Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Me: Yes
AM: Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Me: I try not to. I also try not to misplace negatives to make lyrics work better.
AM: Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know that it alone does not equate wisdom? Me: Absolutely
AM: Do you see everything as an illusion?
Me: No, not really.
AM: But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Me: I'm sorry, what?
AM: Are you both masculine and feminine?
Me: I'm a guy who cried at 'Million Dollar Baby' - does that count?
AM: Politically aware?
Me: Absolutely - Obama in '08!
AM: And don't believe in capital punishment?
Me: Definitely - although some of your grammar is starting to change my mind.
AM: Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that loving someone can actually feel like freedom?
Me: Um...I guess so.
AM: Are you funny?
Me: I was once described as a 'comedy genius'
AM: Self-deprecating?
Me: I'm really bad at self-deprecation. (See what I did there?)
AM: Like adventure?
Me: Absolutely! I once went for an entire week without flossing!
AM: And have many formed opinions?
Me: Yes indeed. Opinion is my middle name. (My parents wanted a girl)
AM: Are you uninhibited in bed?
Me: Well, I do enjoy a good lie-in.
AM: More than three times a week?
Me: Well, as long as my classes allow, three lie-ins a week is fine with me.
AM: Up for being experimental?
Me: As long as I don't get burned with acid, experiments are fine.
AM: Are you athletic?
Me: Next question?
AM: Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?
Me: I don't have a brother. Come on Ali, it's like you don't even read the three letters I send to you every week!
AM: Are you not addicted?
Me: Only to your music, Alanis...well, that and cheesy lines.
AM: ...curious and communicative...
Me: Is that even a question?
My number's on Facebook Alanis - I'm waiting for your call.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I've Dropped More Ts than You've had Hot Dinners
A friend of mine asked me a while back if she could write a paper on me, or rather, on my accent. I agreed, and she recorded me speaking. She wrote a paper, which included this transcript of the recording:
Sandy: “So I’m in Wal-Mart yesterday… and…no, this, like, was a couple weeks ago. Anyway, this was a while ago. I’m in Wal-Mart and I was trying to use the automatic cashier-less thing – the till. So I’m standing there and you have the swipe-y thing on the thing and it beeps so I have a Mar-, not a Mars Bar, sorry, I had a Milky Way as they call them in this country. And – ”
Jeanne: “Milky Way? What do they call them at home?”
Sandy: “Mars Bars.”
Jeanne: “Oh… okay.”
Sandy: “Yeah, exactly. So I swipe my Milky Way and I think, “Right, I’m going to eat this later,” so I put it in my pocket. And then the Wal-Mart, like, machine, like, starts, like, beeping and saying “You have not put the Milky Way in the bag,” and I was like, “um, okay.” So I take it out of my pocket and put it in the bag and it says, “There is something in the bag that was not swiped through the cash register.” I was like, “No I just…” So at this point I’m arguing with the machine. I’m like, it’s very annoying, like, “No, I can see that, ri-.” So then I realize at this point, so I take it out of the bag, swipe it, it goes, “You have been charged for three Milky Ways.” I was like, “No! I only have one! One Milky Way! It’s not even in two bits like back home!” So I get very irritated. I keep swiping it and it’s starting again and this woman behind me is obviously getting really really irritated. She’s like [imitates frustrated breathing]. And like, I, I’m getting really… you know, I’m a newcomer in this country, I don’t know what I’m doing. So eventually I think, “Alright, alright,” so then I turn around to her and I’m like, “Listen love, I’m really sorry but I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t understand it.” And she looks at me, she’s like “Oh you’re English! Let me help you!” And she does this amazing... I’m sure she was launching a space shuttle or something and I’m sure it undercharged me as well so I was really excited. Put it in the bag, pick it up and leave.”
I'm somewhat ashamed.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
The Person Who Tells It Like It Really Is
"Terry, that sky is definitely blue."
"Yes John, that is an incontrovertible statement of fact. It is also somewhat overcast."
"That would suggest it may rain later on, John."
"Although it is not certain, Terry."
"No John, we would not want to give that impression. That would be most unprofessional."
'The Person Who Tells It Like It Really Is' - I mean, really- what kind of a stupid tagline is that?