A Memory

I sat in the back of the car, and I watched as my mother-in-law slipped a sweet out of the bag. Something caught at my memory, and I frowned. I recognised the packaging - the red Bassett's logo, the green text... the way the wrapper curled around at the edges - even the sound the hard pastille made as it was unwrapped. I tilted my head, and I knew immediately what it would taste like, what the texture would feel like, pressed against the inside of my cheek - the raised dots rubbing against it, the sugar inside teased out, causing a kind of numbness. I took one, and as if in a half-remembered dream, I pulled the two ends gently, slid the hard pastille out of the crinkled wrapping.

I put the Sherbet Lemon in my mouth, and I remembered.

I was twelve, maybe thirteen, and I wrote for the school newspaper. We were a tiny prep school, barely 170 pupils, and so the scope of the articles wasn't particularly grand - an expose on the removal of chocolate splodge pudding here, an appeal for the older boys to be allowed to sit on chairs at assemblies there - hardly Watergate, but we got by. The newspaper was 10p, and I remember that we used to give away a sherbet lemon with each one - it was an early exposure to 'value-added' marketing. We never sold many newspapers - even fewer when I became editor, but we got by, and given that parents print-shop published the newspaper, there were never any costs to cover. What little money we made went to sponsor a young boy in Africa somewhere. His name was Issa, and he used to send us letters. I wish I knew what happened to him. The newspaper was short-lived, and didn't survive my leaving the school, but for a while, it was important. I hadn't thought of it in years - The Chorister News. I wish I still had a copy.

It was an unimportant memory, but it was a good one. Sometimes, that's all that matters.

Things I Remember From Growing Up in the Nineties - The Sodastream

Get Busy With the Fizzy

This may have been the coolest thing ever when I was growing up. I tried to explain the concept of having a machine that could make fizzy drinks to the teenagers that I teach - they just didn't really get it. "But you could have all different flavours!" I argued. "And it cost significantly less than buying bottles of the stuff!" They looked at me blankly. "You could also choose how concentrated you made each drink!"

In desperation, I showed them this advert. It didn't help.

And so the future is upon us...

...or at least me.

I got my degree result yesterday. Suffice to say I was very happy with it.

The only thing is that now I'm...well, done.

As in done for good.

I'm never going to study at Edinburgh University again. (And, if I'm honest, that's probably it for organised learning in general.)

I guess I hadn't realised how much my university experience shaped my life. I think of years as starting in September and ending in June, I'm always thinking of the next exam, the concept of staying in one place for more than a year seems insane, and having a regular work schedule is something I just can't get my head around.

And yet here I am, done with university, heading inescapably towards gainful employment, with the prospect of staying in Edinburgh for a good few years.

And I'm totally fine with that.

Life is pretty good right now.

Maybe I'm Just Growing...

I think I'm growing up.

It was Eric's wedding yesterday. The Eric in question being Eric Hanna, my former flatmate and good friend. And now he's married.

I should be more freaked out by this.

In the run-up to the wedding, people kept asking me 'don't you find it weird?' or 'does it make you feel old?', and I laughed them off, saying that Eric was a special case - that we had long felt he had been born at the age of forty, and that marriage was inevitably going to happen sooner, rather than later. The truth is though, that I think it didn't bother me because I'm growing up.

What? Did I just write that?

I have pulled out the old adage so many times - "I have to grow old, I don't have to grow up", and to an extent it's true. I still say and do really stupid things, still laugh over-loudly at simple jokes, and today at church I spent ten minutes making faces at somebody else's baby. I still love watching cheesy sci-fi TV shows, and drawing moustaches on photographs in the newspaper. I still get excited about colouring in, and I still hold tightly to the childish hope that Newcastle United might actually win...something before the 50th anniversary of our Fairs Cup win.

What this doesn't change, however, is that I am actually maturing.

What, me? The person who still thinks the highest form of humour is tapping someone on the shoulder and then hiding? The person who spends most of his shift at work singing and coming up with ridiculous nicknames for the kids? The guy who once invented an entire imaginary rock band and who has spent the years since trying to convince people they exist?

Yeah, me.

I have duties now. People who look up to me, people who I'm in charge of, people whom I'm
responsible for, a good job, great prospects, and a whole lot of stuff to do with my life. And you know what? I'm loving it.

I think I'm growing up.

Don't get me wrong - I don't intend to stop doing any of the ridiculous things that I do now. I don't intend to become a 'suit' or to sell out to the man (or given my chosen career path, the woman). In fact, I intend to be the same person I always was...just doing a bit better at it. I have no intention of turning into someone who counts the pennies (Unless it's for change for the bus) and complains about the youth of today. Frankly, I'm not that keen on leaving the youth of today.

I guess that I'm switching the adage around. I guess I'm not keen on growing old, but maybe, just maybe growing up might be OK.

Looking to the Future...

Well, I made it home. At least for a while.

I'm currently staying at my parents' house in Durham for a couple of weeks - I'm back home to Edinburgh on Wednesday, and back to work on Friday - hurrah! Not sure when classes start - quite a ways away, I think.

It's going to be a bit going back to classes at Edinburgh - I haven't been to a lecture there since March 2006 - well over a year ago. In that time, a lot has changed - in the world, at Edinburgh, and within me. I almost feel like I'm backtracking in going back to Edinburgh. I know it's the right thing to do, I just don't think I'll appreciate it for a while.

Switching to full-time Psychology should be interesting - as I go to a Scottish University, and spent my third year in America, my final year will be the first year that I won't be studying other subjects outside my major. I'm not quite sure how I'll handle it - I'm sure I'll figure it out, although if my fourth year curriculum doesn't improve on the second year stuff, I might go completely insane.

It's also starting to get to the point where I need to think about *gulp* life after University, aka The Real World. My current aim is still to emigrate to the United States as soon as I'm able - in an ideal world, Chicago, but Philadelphia is a more likely option, due to my contacts there. The next year is going to pretty hectic, what with looking for a job, working, classes and writing a dissertation - ah well, at least I won't get bored, eh?

Mmm...Cake

Wow, it has been a while.

Just thought I'd say that - it wasn't really constructive in any way. I do that a lot, I've noticed.

But anyway, what have been up to?

In a phrase, not a lot.

On March 6th 2007, I turned 21. This was only significant because I was in America. If I had celebrated this birthday in Britain, it would have been simply another year. But because I was in the States, where the drinking age is three years higher, it instantly became an exciting event. And yet for me, it shouldn't have been - not only have I been legally able to drink since I was eighteen, three years ago, in high school, I also don't even drink that much back home.

Admittedly in September, I did decide not to drink in the States until I turned 21, and so there was an element of success in arriving at the date, but still, it should not have been as exciting as it was. Bizarrely, it was like turning eighteen all over again - the same excitement, the desire for one day of the year to be IDed, you know how it goes. I definitely over-celebrated, though. Ah well, as long as it doesn't become a habit.

Much more excitingly, on March 6th, my cousin gave birth to her fifth child, Isa. he is of course, due to his birthday, by default my favourite cousin, and so I intend to spoil him outrageously.

It's beginning to dawn on me that my time in Illinois is coming to an end. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I mean I know I love Edinburgh, and all my friends there (and this Christmas only served to accentuate that) and I know that I am going to be very attached to Illinois because I am currently here and yes, I know that were I in Edinburgh right now I would probably feel the exact opposite, but the fact remains that were I offered a chance to do my final year here and graduate from Illinois, I would jump at it.

This isn't to say that I don't want to go home. I do, desperately. I love Edinburgh, I love all of you there, I love my church, and I know that the next two years of my life are there. It's just that, right now, I really don't want to leave. I guess you truly can't have your cake and eat it too.

That won't stop me trying, though.

The Same Question

I got a CD from my Grandma last Christmas. It was called Reflection of Something, by Todd Agnew.

I opened it today.

This was a mistake.

Not opening it, but opening it a year after I got it. You see, I took one look at the cover and thought "Nah..." It's a soft-focus, warm-toned photo of a hippy, bare-footed man seated cross-legged, looking down with a dopey smile on his face. I looked at the tracklist, and dismissed it as yet another average Christian CD. My Grandmother doesn't exactly have the best track record on this kind of thing, you see. For instance, and my personal favourite, the other CD she gave me, which features 'The Ten Commandment Boogie', with lines like:

"We're half way through with one that's just for you - Listen to your mom and dad 'cause what they say you gotta do."

"the B-I-B-L-E, yeah that's the book for me"

and my personal favourite:

"Commandment Seven feels like heaven but only with your husband or wife"

(oh for goodness sake, go and look it up if you don't know what it is.)

So anyway, I didn't exactly have high hopes for Reflections of Something. Or, in fact, any hopes at all, given that I waited a year to open it. In fact, it was still in its protective cellophane casing earlier this evening, when I decided that I might as well put it on my laptop.

And it's fantastic.

Todd Agnew's voice is pretty good, and the tunes aren't bad, but what really gets me are the issues he addresses, the words he uses. He isn't a perfect, squeaky-clean Christian, singing gloatingly about how awesome it is to be a Christian. He's a real person, a Christ-follower, someone who truly loves Jesus and is doing his best and not always succeeding.

And I don’t know what You want, what You see in my life
And I don’t know what You mean, how You could be glorified
I’m not too sure about this idea of sacrifice

My Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale Street to the stained glass crowd
I know that He can hear me if I scream out loud.

I'm reminded of a cartoon I saw once. Two turtles sit, talking to each other. One says to the other, “Sometimes I’d like to ask why God allows poverty, famine, and injustice when he could do something about it.” The other turtle asks him why he doesn't. The first replies. “I’m afraid God might ask me the same question.”